Tears of Remembrance, Shouts of Anger

There is a time for showing emotions -- and all emotions are okay to show because all emotions are okay. Our emotions are a part of us. Last weekend was a big day of taking pause, remembering, being angry, and perhaps, depending on your circumstances, protesting. Friends and family of mine took part in the No Kings protests, and I thought of them and prayed for them from afar. For me it was a day of hope and anger and prayer.

One of the reactions to “YesterDay” could be anger and frustration because you feel hopeless or that justice has not been served. Another reaction could be fear: fear of friends, family (or yourself) getting arrested. Even tears could be a response: tears of hope and joy over the turnout or tears of remembrance for what once was, a kinder and gentler era. For me, I am frustrated, hopeful and sad all at once. I have shed a lot of tears of late.

History and cultures

A while ago I had a conversation with a friend about the history of tears, their meaning and how one collected tears, because they were precious. The ancient Persians and the Romans seem to have considered tears to be precious. The Hebrews in the Old Testament honored tears, and the Victorians collected tears in bottles and kept them for show in special bottles.

Benefits of tears

Besides being precious tears are important for health. We cry to release intense feelings, but also the body is able to rid itself of impurities. Tears are also important for emotional health. As Psychology Today puts it, “Try to let go of outmoded, untrue, conceptions about crying. It is good to cry. It is healthy to cry. This helps to emotionally clear sadness and stress. Crying is also essential to resolve grief, when waves of tears periodically come over us after we experience a loss. Tears help us process the loss so we can keep living with open hearts. Otherwise, we are a set up for depression if we suppress these potent feelings.” https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/emotional-freedom/201007/the-health-benefits-tears

The Problem: tear-phobia

But there is a problem; we live in a tear-phobic society. It is common to think that crying is a sign of weakness, a sign of inability to cope with the situation. This is a false assumption and must be countered with truth. It’s more than okay to cry. It is good and healthy for us to cry, and to allow others to cry in our presence.

Personal thoughts

I don’t know about you, but I have had some hard days of remembrance me in the past months. My mom died in over ten years ago and although it has been a decade, the pain is still there. Also, sixty years ago my dad died. I have been, and will be crying off an on when I remember and grieve my losses. It’s okay, it’s natural and it’s good for me to cry about them then. It’s healthy. Grief comes to us all, and it is okay for us to feel sad and cry.

How long?

I have read that society in general wants people to get over grief in something like two months. Ask any honest person, and any good psychologist, and I think they will disagree. I personally think that deep grief can easily last for six to twelve months with bouts of sadness coming off and on for years.

What does our society do with this? They want you to be “productive and strong” in two months. But there’s a real problem with that, because when we, you and I, stuff our emotions they stay there and “fester” and come out in very unproductive ways. It is much better to grieve and to feel our grief. To cry.

So what do we do:

Be mindful of our state of emotion, of our body, of others

· Pay attention and be curious about our emotions. Treat them as part of you, not as adversaries.

· Be aware that your grief will affect your body, too. That headache, gut ache, tight chest… be aware, and take care of yourself. Remember to breathe and to move take walks, especially)

· Remember that others are grieving, too and send them your wishes, in thoughts, prayers, words, and actions.

What are you going to do about it?

We humans want to be pain-free. But life is not like that and it is much better to walk through that pain, preferably with someone, than to stuff it and pretend it isn’t there. Each person has their own coping methods. I personally walk my dog a lot when I am sad. It really helps, as does something that Brené Brown writes about called four spare breathing.

So, what are you sad about, grieving about? Who else is grieving around you? How are you going to deal with it?

I wish you a good week, thinking, doing and feeling.

Patricia Jehle

contact me at: patricia@jehle-coaching.com