Stressed? Burnt out on Life?

Stressed? Burned Out? 

You have good reason these days!

So, read on!

There is a  connection between stress, burnout… and love – I am not joking:

There is a connection between stress, burnout and love, so bear with me.

If, we take Dr. Kelly McGonigal’s definition of stress as being “caring about something and that thing is at stake”, or in danger, well then that caring is love, in a way.  

What can we care about? Lots of things- some are more “worth-the-while” than others, but in some ways that does not matter for now.  

What can we care about?  Well, relationships, our job/career, our financial situation or future, our health and so many other things.

And if we take what Brene Brown said in her blog a while ago about love and burnout, “burnout drives lovelessness”… well, maybe we have to quit caring when we are in burnout because we a just too tired.

Well, then, it looks like love is really part of the key to dealing with stress. But I mean love as an action, not just a feeling, and it is the answer.  

Love is (still) the answer.

I’ve been reading a book on The Jesuit Guide to (almost) Everything by James Martin, S.J. and he has a list of what love does and I believe to help with stress (and avoid burnout) a person can do these things- for a friend, but also it helps the “lover”: listen with compassion, be there (be “present”), be helpful and do love in a practical way, love without strings attached (it must be a free gift), forgive freely, and ask God /(and others) to help those you love.  

Sounds simple, but it is by no means easy.  As F. Dostoevsky said, “Love in action is a harsh and dreadful thing compared to love in dreams.”  Hard, but worthwhile, indeed.  After all, what is more important than our relationships?

So, what are we to do with stress, then, personally?  

First and foremost, think of stress as a means of achieving your goal(s) and not as an enemy or what keeps you from success (see last week’s blog) and

second, become more aware, more mindful of yourself, of your situation, and of what your body is doing.  

Finally, connect.  McGonigal says that those who are under a lot of stress but have significant relationships (I read that as -love) do not have the negative effects of stress.  A famous man once said, “love one another”.

Are you stressed out?  We all are, sometimes and we have good reason these days.  

Pay attention and remind yourself that stress is your body helping you to meet that challenge, but also, talk about it with your friends and family.  

What else?

When you are stressed, besides realizing that the stress can help you reach your goal, as the stress hormones are actually preparing you for the task ahead, you also need to keep your mind aware of the here and now, not having your brain focus on the future (and possibly obsessing in fear) or focus on the past (and possibly regretting failures that cannot be changed).

How can you move forward with a strong positive “can-do” feeling for this present moment?

·       Know everything is first and foremost, okay – for the moment, at least; all is well

·       Be concretely grateful

·       Reach out – or at least think about – someone you care about

You are safe

Keep your “lizard brain” calm and happy by realizing that all is okay and you are “safe”.   If you need, do a few relaxation activities to help you, like deep breathing or the five-finger exercise for anxiety.  (Five things I see, 4 things I can touch, 3things I hear, 2 things I smell, and one emotion I feel- and then breathe deeply, focusing on long exhales) Finally, realize you have always gotten through these kinds of challenges and then move to gratitude.

Be grateful

Keep your “mouse brain” fed by thinking of things that you are grateful for.  Bring into your thoughts anything that you feel content and satisfied about; think about what makes you happy.  Is it drinking tea all curled up on the sofa?  Maybe it’s petting your cat or walking your dog.  Think about these things (or do them, if you can, but thinking about them is enough).  Be grateful for those things, and those moments.

Warm fuzzies are okay to think about

Keep your “monkey brain” happy by “hugging it” with thoughts of (positive) relationships.  Think about a friend, a family member, a pet, a child and open your feelings of caring for and about them.  Maybe you remember times of being cared for, too.  Remember and enjoy those moments. 

This is key: how you think about your issues and challenges is what may (or may not) get you going and moving forward.  Starting by ridding yourself from negative thought processes and obsessing so you can focus on the goal at hand. If you need specific help with that, you know where to find me.

When you get to the point of thinking clearly and positively, you are then better able to make good decisions, even when in stressful situations, which of course, will arise almost daily.  

When we spend all our energy fighting the stress we have, we hurt ourselves and waste crucial time and energy on something that can, in the end, help us to get to the next level, whatever that may be for you – and me.  Rather than fighting or worrying about your stress, use the stress as a way of realizing: “hey, I’m in a stressful situation, but my body is readying itself for the challenge and I can focus on the task at hand, even if it is hard.”

Are you more than stressed out and are on the brink of burning out?

When you are burned out: think about your energy, and it’s not all your fault, so no guilt and blame, please!

Energy levels are a key part of burnout and how to address it, potentially avoid it and recover from it.

There are four areas to think of regarding this issue:

·       Performance

·       Survival

·       Burnout

·       Recovery

In each of those areas you have emotions that should help you to notice and readjust to a “more healthy” zone, one you may need to continue.

In the Performance area you feel these emotions, and could be “in the flow”:

·       Engaged

·       Invigorated

·       Calm 

·       Optimistic

·       Positively challenged

In the Survival stage you are feeling these emotions (and are not in any kind of flow):

·       Impatient

·       Frustrated

·       Irritated

·       Angry

·       Fearful

·       Defensive

·       Anxious

·       Worried

In the burnout stage you feel these emotions/body feelings:

·       Empty- nothingness

·       Exhaustion

·       Hopeless

·       Sad

·       Angry

·       Depressed

When you begin to recover, you have these feelings:

·       Freedom

·       Carefree

·       Peace

·       Mellow

·       Relieved

·       Open to new things and ideas

The key is to get to the recovery mode.  How do you do that?  

Carve out time for:

·       Play

·       R&R, in general

·       Creativity (and not just for work)

·       Thinking and reflection

REMEMBER it is also a “system’s fault:

A while ago I sat with someone, and we talked through some of the stress she is facing at work.  It was a lot of stress, and I cannot imagine how that company system is going to continue.  The level of expectation on employees and the speed of change is no sustainable.

You see, the company has decided to take the term “Agile” and apply it to everyone and everything in the whole company: work faster, smarter, more flexible, ever more responsibility.  

Except there is a big problem with this:  people are human and there is a limit to the speed and efficiency they can reach and work at in a sustainable manner.  At my friend’s workplace burnout is common and heart attacks and strokes happen, and not just to sedentary people after the age of 55.  

This workplace expectancy of ever more perfect employees is a worrisome pattern in many of today’s leading companies.  Agile is not just for R&D/Tech., it’s an excuse for companies to use and abuse their employees.  Yet their employees are the company’s most valuable asset, and many of them are now sick with burnout and other stress-related illnesses.

Here is what the World Health Organization says about burnout:

“Over the past 20 years one of the most significant changes to workplaces in industrialized countries has been the relative decline in permanent full-time employment and a corresponding growth of what has been termed precarious employment or contingent work arrangements… Widespread and often repeated restructuring/downsizing and outsourcing by large private and public employers has increased insecurity amongst workers previously presumed to have secure jobs.”  All this causes burnout.  “And burnout syndrome includes the following three dimensions: 

emotional exhaustion; 
depersonalization; and
reduced personal accomplishment”

Locally speaking, according to KMU Magazin,  (nr. 2, 2009), Switzerland has a burnout bill of over 18 billion francs!That is an amazingly high number!  Companies need to realize that this phenomenon is not about the individual employee, but about the company culture, the company system and when there is a seriously high level of long-term, stress-related illness and burnout, the company needs to look at itself and ask some questions about how they “do business”!

So, what can be done about this problem:  

·       First, have healthy expectations of yourself, your co-workers and your employees.

·       Second, allow a culture of failure and learning become the norm.  Let yourself – and your team – grow from mistakes instead of trying to be like robots.

·       Third, when people start to experience burnout, do not shame them, but instead, help them to get the care they needas soon as possible.

·       Finally, create healthy work expectations and systems.  Remember that you and your employees are humans, not machines.

This is just a beginning, but a necessary one to starting off towards sustainable growth and development, instead of using and abusing employees until they are not of any use to anyone anymore.

Here are some (non-exhaustive) signs of burnout:

·       You hate Sunday night because you have to go to work in the morning

·       Tiredness (often with insomnia), stress-related health problems, difficulty concentrating

·       Emotional problems like irritability, resentment, apathy, boredom

·       Making more mistakes than you usually do, uncommon procrastination

·       Conflicts are increasing, needing to prove or defend yourself in an unhealthy manner

·       Use of unhealthy coping mechanisms (drugs/alcohol, food, shopping)

·       Withdrawal, inner emptiness, depression

Even though it is not just the responsibility of the employee, if you are starting to experience burnout, here are some things you can do:

·       Focus on your (home, not work) relationships- talk about your feelings and frustrations with trusted friends and family.

·       Do things that you can change, be in control of (google Coveys’ list of things you can change).

·       Choose to believe that your (good) actions will lead to (good) feelings—in other words, fight against negativity with positive actions, not just words.

·       Accept yourself as good enough and be realistic about your goals and expectations

·       Pay attention to your emotional and physical needs.  Listen to your body and give it some good care.

·       Maybe you need to do some soul searching about what (and how) you are doing for work.  Maybe you need to change some things.  Take time to reflect on this.

Keep on being and doing “healthy”!

To sum up, be aware of your whole self: body, emotions, thoughts… and be mindful of who you are and how you react to different challenges.  

Practice prayer and mindfulness in a way that helps you to move forward in peace. Most of all, reach out and love one another.  It will be a gift to another, but also it is always a gift to yourself, too.

I wish you a very healthy – and – sustainably healthy spring!

Patricia Jehle                             patricia@jehle-coaching.com