Transition and Change are Losses

Transition(s) and Change(s)

Make for Loss

Which MUST be grieved

There’s been a lot going on for most of us since March 2020.  We’ve experienced extreme loss and change; we have hopefully grieved each of these losses well so that we can move on.  

Change equals loss!

Each change also is a kind of loss – even if it’s good thing: a new job, for example, means change of routine, change of place and sometimes change of residence.

Have you taken the time to reflect and go through the grief cycle? (You can google one of the many grief cycles, like the Kübler-Ross one – just as long as you realize you can go back and forth between stages and it’s rarely linear and usually mess).

LOSS is very hard

They need to be considered in reference to the grief cycle. Which losses are you holding on to?  Are you ready to let go of your freedom (if you were in between jobs and on sabbatical, for example, or if you were childless and have transitioned to parenthood, for another example?)?  A very good thing can also lead to a loss of something.  We bought a house 18 years ago, but there were losses: my friends in my previous neighborhood, the convenience of living in Zürich, close contact with some good friends, and so on. Don’t just focus on the positives - for instance in the case of our house we gained a lot: living in the countryside, new job opportunities and freedom for our children, who could play outside in relative safety. If we hadn’t grieved our losses, those positives could have covered a “wound” of missing Zürich and our old way of life.

Other losses and changes are more “just” on the negative side and often happen without our consent.

Once (or twice) I was very ill and lost a lot of control: I had to do what the doctors said, I couldn’t choose what I could do in a day or week, and I had very little control of my own body. My focus was inward and on trying to get better by “following orders!”. 

 Also, as an expat, people come and go in my friend circle(s) very often and each leaving starts a grief process, too.

Other people are fired, laid off, bullied...  All of these are things that “happen” to us.  But we can do something, something for the better.

TAKE Personal responsibility for your own reaction

We also need to take responsibility for what we can do to make our situation more positive.

Henry Cloud and John Townsend put it this way in their book, What to do when you don’t know what to do , “Sometimes we have to take responsibility for situations that are not our fault. The man who is unfairly laid off must own up to the situation and start looking for another job. The abused wife must seek counseling. Determining who is at fault isn’t as important as determining who will do something about it. The latter “who” is you. Whoever is at fault, what matters is taking ownership to correct the problem.“

What I like best about the quote is the part about not finding fault and moving on, making the situation better, not worse, not hurting others or myself (and my reputation) in the situation.

Questions to reflect on:

Where am I in my loss and grief process(es)?  How can I make the time to grieve well and go through it? Where am I stuck in the process? Who can help me to move onward and upward in this process?

Have a great reflective week – for the next two weeks I will be on holiday (you should take one sometime soon, too!).

Patricia Jehle               www.jehle-coaching.com