Feedback is Hard AND very GOOD for us
Last week was really a special week for me: I bravely took part in a group and team dynamic coaching training experimental week IN GERMAN. I am still digesting the experience.
I allowed strangers to meet me and together we “became” a group by the end of the week. What this did for me was to teach me a few new concepts but mostly to put experiential meat on the scaffolding of what I already knew. And I had to take feedback. Period. WOW!
It’s time for me (and us all) to face the facts and move forward, it’s time take the feedback we receive and have recently received and make a change.
It’s time to be wise.
When we are dealing with feedback you can either take it seriously and try to change or you can blame “the circumstances beyond your control” and avoid doing anything.
Sometimes, granted, the circumstances are beyond our control: covid, lockdowns, shifts in market demand are all beyond our control. But how we respond to them is pretty much under our control.
The difference is when you get sincere feedback about how you behave, you can either work on a change or blame something or someone else. Henry Cloud says that’s the difference between a wise and a fool- the wise takes responsibility for their (re-)actions and attempts to change and the fool blames something or someone else so they don’t have to change their behavior. Sometimes, we don’t see well because of our personal blinders and biases (see the last few blogs for me, but confirmation bias is rampant).
Let’s look at some wonderful feedback suggestions and remember what Brené Brown says about feedback (taken from her website): feedback is about a relationship and about actions and it is not “a problem between” two people but a situation to recognize, clarify and an opportunity for growth and change in the way we act. That’s the problem the fool faces because change is not what the fool wants, or the fool sees no need for change.
The fool will twist the facts so that change is nearly “impossible” and in no way is it “my responsibility”- it’s always “their fault”. Remember we cannot see the whole picture without the help of others and their feedback.
So, are you more of a fool when it comes to change or more of a wise person, because the only (re-)action we can change is our own, and we have to take ownership for or responsibilities, whether they are work or home/self-oriented.
There will be conflict, no matter what. Conflict IS normal between us humans. Disagreeing but still being a part of the community by supporting the “common good” and listening to one another, agreeing to disagree is kea.
So, when your boss, your co-worker, your employee – or your spouse or your parent or a friend you trust comes and suggest some feedback for change do you get defensive and try to blame others/or say you cannot help it (the foolish response)? I suggest you try and take the feedback as a relational suggestion for growth, and at least as a “possibility”, especially if you are hearing this from several different directions. Well-meaning helpful suggestions are given for genuine care of the person in front of us- it really is about relationship. This is key for most life situations: relationship is key.
This week (or month), when you are offered some feedback, watch how you respond and evaluate yourself – and try and be wise.
Have a great week!
Patricia Jehle patricia@jehle-coaching.com
Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.