Positive Communication Strategies for now- and into the future

In these days of Lockdown, listening can become automatic/non-listening - remember to listen well to those you are communicating with, whether at home or online.

Here are several kinds of helpful (and unhelpful) listening practices:

For helpful listening you first need to ask some good questions:

1.     What am I thinking and feeling in myself? (am I reacting and not giving a benefit of the doubt? Am I being “triggered” and it is not about the message, really?)

2.     What is REALLY being said by the person (content and context)- focus!

This kind of positive listening occurs when we carefully listen to the other person and while they are speaking we are not deciding whether we agree or disagree, determining whether they are right or wrong. We are not listening to respond we are not judging. We are paying close attention to the other person and watching for clues for emotion and needs. We are trying to get at what they are really trying to say: content and context.  You are looking for what is the issue about, here.

3.     What does it have to do with me?  Why am I being told this?  Is this person sharing information or sharing of themselves- or both?

4.     What is it like to be the person I am listening to and their situation/environment

This is empathetic listening and you must teach yourself to treat the conversation as though this is the first time you’ve ever heard of this problem, even though you may have heard it many times before. Discipline yourself to see their message through and remember to “feel their pain”, if at all possible.  Here you are really looking for the emotions and needs of the person.  This is key for the next steps after the message has been shared.

5.     What does my feeling (right now) have to do with the person I am listening to?  Am I reacting, or is there something more to my response?

This is the “meta listening” skill- we have many thoughts and feelings happening during this process and some are very helpful (transference, counter-transference, parallel processes need to be noted and dealt with) or unhelpful (judgementalism is to be avoided at all costs).

Here are some unhelpful kinds of listening

• Ignoring

When you are not listening at all and are distracted by anything else, the speaker can get the impression that you are ignoring them. Also, it is not useful as you are breaking the listening relationship and losing out on important information.

• Pretend Listening
  Pretend listening is when you are  talking to the other person and you have that “on the beach in Hawaii” look in your eyes. It can happen when you say things like “I see” and “OK,” “Mmmm,” etc. and actually thinking about something else than what is being said to you. People can tell you’re distracted and it breaks the relationship and, again, makes you miss out on important content and context information.

• Selective Listening
  During selective listening we pay attention to the speaker as long as they are talking about things we like or agree with or “can help with”. If they move on to other things we slip into pretend listening or ignore them altogether.  

• Listening to respond or judge

This has been de3alt with above but is worth re-mentioning.  These are not helpful and can be harmful in the communication process.  Just listen. Just pay attention.

Listening is key when you are developing and maintaining relationships, as well as keeping things going from home while directing your team.  Take care you are asking the right questions.

Have a great week of positive interactions.

Patricia Jehle    patricia@jehle-coaching.com