Stuck? Afraid? Is it time to move, but how?
Are your decisions fear-based? Based on fear of loss?
Fear like anger and sadness are normal parts of our humanity, so it is not at all wrong to feel any of them.
Fear can be good, as a motivator (i.e.: the company will have to cut back if we don’t sell x amount of goods) but it can stop change. When fear is a healthy motivation to get things done asap, that’s great.
When fear stops you because you feel it threatens you (eg: “There will be violence” “There will be chaos”), it’s not good – and maybe not at all true or only partially true.
Also, major life decisions should not be fear-based, but hope based, in my opinion.
What are you afraid of right now? Loss of a good pension-time? Loss of a job? Loss of a partner?
So, have you got a decision?
Are you afraid of doing something? Or of not doing it? Or of even trying to change one wee little thing for fear of the consequences?
Is your life well, rather… stuck?
Maybe because of the fear of the unknown or of the change that you know you have to make, and soon.
But it is hard.
Is your business not going well?
Or is it something else in your life? A relationship? A place to live?
Maybe you have all your ducks in a row, but something seems to be stopping you from moving forward? Perhaps it is fear.
Is there something intangible slowing down your business?
Maybe you have inner conflicts with yourself that need addressing so you can start moving forward again.
A while ago I read a wonderful book by negotiation expert Professor Dr. William Ury of Harvard Business School called Getting to Yes with Yourself and I found some treasures to help us out of those stuck places in business and in life, especially when it comes to fear.
Here’s Ury’s 6-Step Model:
1. Put yourself in your shoes (what would you do, if…)
2. Develop your inner BATNA (check it out – it is a very good tool!)
3. Reframe your picture of the situation
4. Stay in the “Zone”
5. Respect them, even if (it is very hard)
6. Give and Receive
What this means, step-by-step:
· Put yourself in your own shoes means you need to understand your own feelings and needs before you can go anywhere near the business negotiation/ the other person you are dealing with. Ask yourself questions regarding your feelings and your deepest needs.
· Develop your inner BATNA refers to the famous Fisher/Ury negotiation concept Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement- what are you going to do if the deal doesn’t work out? In other words, for yourself, take care of the deepest needs you have in this (and every) situation, no matter what happens. You are not a victim, take responsibility for your own needs.
· Reframe your picture is about how you see the world, and even the universe. See it as working for your and “the” good, and you will not live in the trap of scarcity. Remember, scarcity leads to decisions made from fear, which is to be avoided. Take decisions from a place of trust and abundance instead.
· Stay in the Zone refers to being in the present, not focusing on the past or future. It means letting go of the past and its problems and freeing yourself from anxiety about the future. Staying in the zone allows you to succeed. Hanging on to past regrets and hurts or worrying about tomorrow are not going to help in any way, and in fact, they hinder you from moving forward. Avoid all those “should” statements. That show you are either judging yourself or someone else, instead ask yourself, “what is the smallest thing I (or someone else) can do now to make a change?”
· Respect them even if is about how we treat each person with the respect due every human being. I don’t have to approve of the persons actions or beliefs. I don’t need to like the person. I just need to decide to treat the person with respect. I also can try and understand the person by “walking in their shoes” and trying to see the issue from their experiences and background.
· Give and Receive means that the most successful businesspeople are givers and not takers, and that is according to research (Wharton Business School).
When you understand this concept, you are very likely to become unstuck and move forward in business, in negotiation, and in life. There are good questions I as a coach can ask you about each step in Ury’s model to help you along your way to success.
But there is another part: facing the fear and doing it anyway.
There is fear that helps us and there is fear that holds us back. Sometimes it takes someone outside of the situation to see what kind of fear is holding us back?
Do we love people and want to make (Keep) them happy? Then we may be afraid to disappoint them.
Are we afraid of the unknown, and these days the unknown has become rather dangerous? Our fear may be keeping us from doing something courageous and daring that might, in the end, be just the thing to get us out of your slump.
Remember that part of coaching and supervision is dealing with limiting beliefs and emotions and we can work together on this, if you want.
So, before you can say yes with yourself, check you fears and then move on to that yes and that to get to yes with yourself and you are more likely to move forward in business and in life.
Have a successful and hopeful rest of your week!
Patricia Jehle